Who foots the bill? Should I invite children? Keep relationships intact with these solutions to the most pressing etiquette dilemmas.
1. Uninvited guests
While most of us would consider showing up to a formal event uninvited the ultimate social faux pas, there are others who are not so fazed. The intention is usually harmless enough – a friend assuming they can bring a date, or an extended family member who assumes their invite got lost it the mail (it does happen). Thankfully, though, there are some easy steps you can take to avoid an awkward situation on your big day without offending your loved ones. The best way to make your intentions clear is on the RSVP card: include each guest’s full name, with an ‘attending’ or ‘not attending’ option they can tick. Don’t allow guests to write in their own names – often something as simple as providing a dotted line for people to write on can lead to additional guests. If all else fails and you receive a pre-wedding phone call from a friend enquiring about your guest list, politely inform them that you have already confirmed and paid for the final number of guests and the venue is unable to provide additional seating and meals on short notice. If they still don’t take the hint, the ‘we’re on a tight budget’ and ‘we really wanted a very small gathering’ lines never fail to give over-eager wannabe-guests the friendly boot out the door.
2. Footing the bill
The days when a couple’s wedding day marked their first day of cohabitation are long gone. The number of couples living together before marriage is on the rise and, unsurprisingly, so are those paying for their own weddings. Nowadays we’re much more likely to move in with our squeeze before marriage and to have already been coughing up the cash for our own living expenses, so it’s really a natural progression to pay for our own wedding day, too. That said, there are still plenty of people who follow tradition. The bride’s parents may pay for the day or you may find it’s a combined effort between both sets of parents. With this approach it’s worth bearing in mind that the degree of control you have over the day is usually reflective of your financial contribution. This is particularly important if you’re not willing to compromise aspects of your day. Basically if you pay, you can have your way!
3. Smother-in-Law
It’s every bride’s worst nightmare: having your wedding day hijacked by another woman. But it’s not the saucy receptionist at your fiancé’s office that you need to be looking out for – it’s your prospective mother-in-law. The best way to put an interfering mother-in-law back in her place without causing unnecessary tension between the two of you or affecting your relationship with your husband-to-be, is to allocate her jobs. Providing her with specific tasks during the planning of your wedding will allow her to feel involved without having the room to take over everything. If she starts trying to control other elements of your day, politely tell her that while you value and appreciate her input, you already have that part of the day under control and hopefully she’ll get the hint without being overly offended. It’s also important to acknowledge her interest and input if she shows it so that you have her on-side. That way, she’ll be more likely to respect your wishes when you politely turn down her offer to make pink taffeta dresses for the bridesmaids!
4. Happy bridesmaids
A wedding is a day of love and celebration, but it can also be a day when your closest friends are fantasising about using the unflattering outfit you made them squeeze into as your murder weapon. It may be even worse if you also made them cough up the cash for that frock. It’s always a tricky situation, navigating who pays for what when it comes to your bridal party expenses. While some brides might pay for their bridesmaid dresses and hair and have them wear their own shoes, others may ask that they pay for the lot. But if you don’t want to put your closest friends off-side in the process of planning one of the happiest days of your life, try employing a bit of compromise. If your budget is tight and you can’t afford to pay for their dresses, don’t ask them to buy something that is extravagant and unlikely to be worn again. Also, have them involved in the decision process as much as possible and agree on something they can get more than one wear out of, like a cocktail-style dress. Show them your thanks by buying their accessories, which can also function as bridal party gifts on the day.
5. Gift registry & wishing-well
Whether you’ve chosen a registry or a wishing well, the key to success is subtlety. Be discreet. Rather than including your full gift registry list with the invite, try a business-size card with a link to the list on the relevant website or the store details. And, when choosing gifts, ensure you select items in a wide price range – while some guests might want to spoil you with something lavish, keep in mind that others will be on a budget. As a general rule, select items around the $50 mark, then move up in $50 increments to a price that you think is affordable for your guests (some might buy a gift together). Having more items on the list than you have guests will ensure everyone has several options. If you’ve decided on a wishing well, include a small card letting guests know you’ll be having one and make sure you word it so they know they don’t have to give cash if they don’t want to. A cute and popular poem to use is: ‘Most things we need we’ve already got and in our house we can’t fit a lot, so a donation to our wishing-well would be great, but only if you want to participate!’
6. Speech frenzy
If given the choice, most of us would rather take our chances out in the woods with a wild bear than take to the mic in front of a crowd. So it’s not surprising most wedding speech line-ups include boozy speakers, inappropriate jokes and boring drone. If you want to avoid having to employ an oversized hook to yank your dad off the stage, you’ll need to be prepared. Ensure all of your speakers have a minimum of a month’s notice to prepare and respectfully accept anyone’s decision to decline to speak – forcing people to speak when they are uncomfortable will most often end in an awkward situation at the reception and at least one very unhappy and embarrassed wedding guest. If you have concerns about speakers using their toast to spill their life story, put a time limit in place – one minute is usually enough time to say a few meaningful words and make a toast. Also, try to avoid having more than four people speak in a row or you may start to notice a few eyes glaze over.
7. The guest list
Deciding who makes the cut can make you feel a little like you’re on the judging panel of a reality TV show – it requires a certain degree of ruthlessness and the ability to balance firmness with fairness. It can be even trickier once the invitations have gone out and two of your co-workers realise they’re the only ones in the office not invited. However, there are some simple things you can do to prevent hurt feelings and awkward moments when it comes to deciding who makes your list. Be discreet with the invitations – definitely don’t hand out invites in person if you want to avoid red faces, and mention to your work invitees that not everyone in the office is invited due to number restrictions, so you’d rather avoid discussing it at work. The same goes for friends – while you shouldn’t be deceptive and hide your wedding, you probably shouldn’t brag about how great it’s going to be either. Instead, briefly mention you’re getting married and leave it at that. Keep lively discussions about your big day for the company of those who are invited and won’t feel left out. Don’t feel bad for not being able to invite everyone – you have to draw the line somewhere. Just be clear about where that is and stick to it. If you’ve decided not to invite dates and only long-term partners, then try not to make exceptions or you could confuse some guests
8. Never work with children or animals
Crying babies and noisy tots aren’t for everyone and if you’ve decided to make your day an adults-only affair, you need to make it clear to your guests. Some people prefer to include a brief note at the bottom of the invitation while others like to chat to guests with kids to let them know they’ll have to make alternative arrangements for the little ones. Providing you are polite, most guests will be accepting of your wishes. Include details of a few local babysitters on the accommodation card with your invite as a subtle way of letting guests know you’re having a child-free event. Do be prepared though, that despite your best efforts, some guests may still show up with children on the day. It is impolite and inconvenient, but minor in the big scheme of things. With any luck, they’ll be the first ones to leave your reception when the kids become tired!
9. Musical chairs
Just thinking about a reception seating plan is enough to give most couples a headache, especially when you have family feuds, divorced couples and warring friends to deal with. But before you reach for the Aspirin, remember that the majority of your guests will respect your special day and act appropriately no matter where you seat them. If you want to try your best to get it right, simply talking to a few of your invitees during the planning process can be a great way of sussing out who is getting along with who. A never-fail approach to seating plans is to group people according to demographic – in other words, seat younger people with other younger people and singles with other singles – the more people have in common, the more likely they are to hit it off. If the thought of all of this is still making your head spin, take relief in knowing you don’t absolutely have to have a seating plan. An increasing number of couples are opting for cocktail party receptions with relaxed seating. Think bar stools, cocktail tables, lounges and guests mingling with who they want and sitting where they like. Now there’s a solution everyone will be happy with!
10. Saying thank you
Never let a wedding gift go unappreciated – a bride should never truly underestimate the importance of a thankyou card. Take the time to write something thoughtful and send your cards by snail-mail. Don’t think it’s ok to just say thanks on the day or shoot off an email – guests expect a formal thank you and it goes a long way to showing them their gift was really appreciated (even if it was a bright orange toaster you’ve already stashed away in the back of the cupboard). Get your thankyou cards out in a timely manner, within three months after your wedding is acceptable, although within a month is ideal. Handwritten thankyou cards are a lovely personal touch but if your guest list was huge, then a generic card with a personal signature from both of you is sufficient. Take the time to put together a generic message that you can have printed on the cards – a good thankyou message should acknowledge how much everyone’s contribution meant to you. A picture of you and your guests at the wedding is also a great way to personalise the cards if you don’t have the time to handwrite them – many relatives will also appreciate a wedding photo.
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